Welcome to my Blog about fitness, workouts, diet and about my personal fitness journey
We all have different style for everything in life, different values, different goals, but we all do have something in common. We all want to be healthy & happy.
I won't be now talking all nice bla bla things to make you all readers happy. My 2015 sucked. It was a challenge and extremly long year that I felt it will never end and it will never get better. Don't get me wrong, certain things in my life couldn't be better and I never complained about my life in general as I was having all I dreamt about. But. ME. Was the problem. Since Leila has been born, my baby blues kicked in so hard that I felt I needed a wall to hold myself onto as I was constantly feeling I am going to fall over or to have a nervous breakdown. I didn't cope with anything that I needed to complete. I couldn't be back to work so early, but I did. I didn't cope with breastfeeding and getting up at 4 so I can go without guilt to work at 6 and then seeing her crying as she was hungry as soon as I walked through the door. I couldn't eat as I had to deal with both kids in the same time, give Them food first and when it comes time for me to eat, I was too stressed and too worked up to do anything. Not eating and not drinking was enough for my milk supply to drop, but I was still pushing to breastfeed as long as I could. I did succeed to breastfeed her until she was 5.5 months. What a pressure to get your boob out and to look after your child when you are absolutely not capable to look after yourself! By not nourishing and totally exhausting my body and mind couldn't cope with it. My depression was getting worse and worse day by day. It came the point when I woke up and felt "Now I really need help. I can't do this on my own anymore...". The pressure that I felt in my chest and head 24/7 was taking over my life and I wasn't able to enjoy my 2 precious babies and to enjoy motherhood. I kept looking at them and adore their every single smile, but every time they were not in front of my eyes, I went to my dark corners of my soul.
I kept trying to find some inspiration out there. I tried to spend money towards programs to help me get out of that misery so I can feel better. How I looked was so irrelevant. I knew what to do to lose weight. I knew how long it would take me to get what I want body wise. I knew what to eat and how to behave to get that bloody perfect body shape that I felt everyone expected me to look like. But I couldn't. I couldn't love myself, I couldn't look after myself and I just couldn't feel any better.
Body shape? Body fat? Maintained face, hair, nails? Seriously?? That was the last thing on my mind! I was totally, totally messed up and I am so glad I feel finally better.
So if you ask me about my 2015, I wouldn't know what to say. We've created something the most magical, 2 amazing children and my totally messed up mind didn't let me enjoy it.
I realised the last week after talking to someone about depression, I realised if you didn't experience it, you really can't understand what is all about. Almost everyone who has never been severely depressed will tell me "you should stop taking meds", "you need to exercise more, that will help you feel great", "just snap out of it", "talk to yourself positively". I wish. I wish I could snap out of it. No one would be happier. But you simply can't. This will probably be very long process of recovery and I hope it won't last too long.
At the moment I am talking to myself positively to start working out so I can get some good before and after pictures of my pregnancy weight gain, but I still not there. Maybe 31.12.2015. will be my break point so I can have the old Adrijana back, woman with such a determination and will power. I really miss her and want her back.....
That's why maybe 2016 might be a great year. If she is back, everything will become possible!!
Happy New Year people!
Lots of love,
Passionate about fitness, happiness, dreams!